The death of a child is one of the most heartbreaking losses one can experience. In my experience, society in general is really bad at navigating loss. As a direct result, we don’t teach each other how to show up better. We rely on platitudes, silver linings, and simply ignoring the elephant in the room, because we don’t know any better.
My name is Christi. I am a Loss Mama through miscarriages and Founder of Written Hugs Design: A greeting card company that is courageously vulnerable, deeply intentional, and uniquely powerful through messages that communicate, “I see you and you matter.” Unlike our competitors, we acknowledge how holidays, milestones, and celebrations make grief harder to bear. That brings us to the topic at hand: What do you do after a child dies during Thanksgiving celebrations?
If you would allow me to propose some gentle considerations for navigating Thanksgiving celebrations after childloss:
CONSIDERATION #1
Do you have a young couple in the family that you just cannot wait to start having babies. You’re waiting on the edge of your seat. Any moment the announcement will come. Cue cuteness overload! I’m going to ask you to consider something in this space: Don't ask young couples when they will have kids.
Why?
1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage
1 in 6 couples will experience infertility
Many couples grieving through these kinds of losses do so in silence & alone. Although well intentioned, you may be causing tremendous heartache & pain every time you ask. I cannot tell you the number of times a grieving parent shares some version of:
We’ve just miscarried our 5th pregnancy, and I am dreading Thanksgiving. Every year my auntie says that we better hurry up and start having babies because she’s not getting any younger. She doesn’t know how much it tears me apart inside. I just have to put on a brave face and field these questions. Nothing will change. I’ve come to accept what’s expected of me. Maybe I shouldn’t go this year.
Now, if you are realizing that you’ve done this to someone in the past, please, give yourself some grace. You didn’t know. Your intention wasn’t to hurt or harm. But know, that sometimes although you are well intentioned, the impact of your words can cause harm. Now you know. Make a change today out of love & consideration for their feelings.
Instead, celebrate the relationship you have with them.
What are you grateful for about your relationship?
What are you proud of them for?
Tell them you are cheering for them.
Embrace being present with them.
CONSIDERATION #2
Does your family have the tradition of going around and saying what you are thankful for? Does everyone at the table know about the loss? If so, consider including the child's name who died in your public declaration of thanks. Every moment having them in your life was full of love. For those moments, be publicly grateful.
Does your family have the tradition of going around and saying what you are thankful for? Does everyone at the table know about the loss? If so, consider including the child's name who died in your public declaration of thanks. Every moment having them in your life was full of love. For those moments, be publicly grateful.
You may think that when you acknowledge a child who died and parent cries, that you have made the pain of grief worse. In reality, you have given permission to the bereaved parent a moment to share the weight of their burden. For a moment, they don’t have to pretend that everything is fine or normal. After childloss, the fact that the rest of the world moves on is extremely isolating. Bereaved parents often comment on how off balance they feel that the world continues with their day to day when they are trying to relearn how to breathe. Remembering: acknowledging the child who died doesn't make the pain of their absence worse, it signals to the parent that for a moment they don’t have to pretend that everything is fine.
CONSIDERATION #3
If there is anyone attending Thanksgiving celebrations that doesn't know about the loss, ask the parents how they feel about publicly remembering and honoring their child. They may not want to share their child with the person who doesn't know.
Similarly, if you are uncertain if the parent would be blessed by honoring their child publicly, ask them. Tell them your idea, and let them guide you. They may be very touched you asked. 💕
CONSIDERATION #4
If you want to honor the child who has died on Thanksgiving, here are some practical ideas:
Would the bereaved parents appreciate a subtle nod to honoring and remembering their child?
- Wear a specific color in honor of the child
- Put out a specific decoration in honor of the child
- Write a card to the bereaved parents
- What you are grateful for about their child?
- What you hope the child knew to be true about being loved, appreciated, championed, cheered on?
- What do you wish you could have taught them?
- What do you know the bereaved parents know now?
- Do the bereaved parents have different religious views than yours? Keep your message aligned with their beliefs instead of yours. This will guide you away from platitudes and silver linings. Treat them in a way they want to be treated rather than how you would like to be treated.
- DO NOT start any sentence about the death of their child with “At least”. This is a universal trigger to bereaved parents. Trust me on this one.
Would the bereaved parents appreciate a grand and/or thoughtful gesture of honoring and remembering their child?
- Have an empty seat at the table, maybe include their picture - ask permission for this one
- Ask the rest of the family that is not the parents to prepare a list of what they are grateful for about the child who died. Instead of going around and saying what you are thankful for in general, go around and say what you are thankful for about the child who died
I am so grateful that you have taken so much time to consider the feelings of grieving parents. It speaks volumes that you would dive into this topic so deeply when the world teaches us not to be vulnerable. I commend you for making it this far. May you find authentic, vulnerable connection as you navigate the murky waters of loss.
Sincerely,
Christi
Loss Mama, Founder of Written Hugs Designs
